THE BRIDGE

The domestic violence and sexual assault service provider for Dunn and Pepin Counties.

Our services are available to ALL victims of violence, regardless of gender.   

Very little is known about the actual number of men who are in a domestic relationship in which they are abused or treated violently by women.  There are many reasons why we don't know more about domestic abuse and violence against men.  First of all, the incidence of domestic violence reported men appears to be so low that it is hard to get reliable estimates.  In addition, it has taken years of advocacy and support to encourage women to report domestic violence. Virtually nothing has been done to encourage men to report abuse.  The idea that men could be victims of domestic abuse and violence is so unthinkable that many men will not even attempt to report the situation. 

The dynamic of domestic abuse and violence is also different between men and women.  The reasons, purposes and motivations may differ between sexes.  Although the counseling and psychological communities have responded to domestic abuse and violence against women, there has been very little investment in resources to address and understand the issues of domestic abuse and violence against men.  In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is so much greater than the actual physical harm inflected by women.  The impact of domestic violence is less apparent and less likely to come to the attention of others when men are abused.  For example, it is assumed than a man with a bruise or black eye was in a fight with another man or was injured on the job or playing contact sports.  Even when men do report domestic abuse and violence, most people express disbelief and men usually end up feeling like nobody believes them.  

EFFECTS OF VIOLENCE ON MEN VS. WOMEN

There are no absolute rules for understanding the emotional differences between men and women. There are principles and dynamics that allow interpretation of individual situations.  Domestic abuse and violence against men and women have some similarities and some differences.  For men or women, domestic violence can involve pushing, slapping, hitting, throwing objects, forcing or slamming a door or striking the other person with an object, or using a weapon.  Domestic abuse can also be verbal or emotional.  However, what hurts a man mentally and emotionally can be very different than what hurts a woman.  For some men, being called a coward, impotent or a failure can have a very different psychological impact than it would on a woman.  Unkind and cruel words hurt, but they can hurt in different ways and linger in different ways.  In many cases, men are more deeply affected by emotional abuse than physical abuse.  

For example, the ability to tolerate and “brush off” a physical assault by women in front of other men can in some cases reassure a man that he is strong and communicate to other men that he can live up to the code of never hitting a woman.  A significant number of men are overly sensitive to emotional and psychological abuse.  In some cases, humiliating a man emotionally in front of other men can be more devastating than physical abuse.  Some professionals have observed that mental and emotional abuse can be an area where women are often “brutal” than men.  Men, on the other hand, are quicker to resort to physical abuse and they are more capable of physical assaults that are more brutal - even deadly.

HOW VIOLENCE CAN ERUPT

There are a number of commonly reported interactions in which violence against men erupts.  Here is one example that illustrates a common dynamic:  

The woman is mildly distressed and upset. The man notices her distress and then worries she may become angry.  The woman attempts to communicate and discuss her feelings.  She wants to talk, feel supported and feel less alone.  She initially attributes some of her distress or problems to him.  The man begins to feel defensive, shuts down emotionally and attempts to deal with the problems rationally.  He feels a fight is coming on.  The woman feels uncared for and ignored ,and gets angry.  She wants him to share the problem but he doesn't feel he has a problem.  The man will attempt to remain unemotional and stay in control of himself.  He avoids accepting any blame for how she feels.  He is also worried that she may explode at any moment and that she will certainly do so if he talks about his feelings. The man will start talking about her problem as if she could feel better if she would only listen to him and stop acting so upset.  He fails to understand how she feels and tries to remain calm.  He tells her to calm down and ends up looking insensitive.  She begins to wonder if he has any feelings at all.  She tells him that he thinks he's perfect.  He says he is not perfect.  She calls him insensitive.  He stares at her and says nothing but looks irritated.  

The woman is frustrated that he won't reveal his feelings and that he acts like he is in control.  On the other hand, the man feels out of control and like there is no room for anybody's feelings in the conversation but hers.  Communication breaks down and the woman begins to insult the man.  When the man finally expresses his disapproval and attempts to end the fight, the woman becomes enraged and may throw something.  The man will usually endure insults and interactions like this for weeks or months.  The whole pattern becomes a recurrent and all too familiar experience.  The man becomes increasingly sensitive to how the woman acts and becomes avoidant and unsupportive.  The man begins to believe that there is nothing he can do and that it may be entirely his fault.  His frustration and anger can build for months like this.  

The risk of violence increases when the woman insults the man in front of their children, threatens the man's relationship with his children, or refuses to control her abusive behavior when the children are present.  She may call him a terrible father or an awful husband in front of the children.  Eventually he feels enraged not only because of how she treats him, but how her behavior is harming the children.  At some point the man may throw something, punch a wall, or slam his fist down loudly to vent his anger and to communicate that he has reached his limits.  Up until now she has never listened to what he had to say.  He decides that maybe she will stop if she can see just how angry he has become.  Rather than recognizing that he has reached his limits, expressing his anger physically has the opposite effect.  For a long time the man has tried to hide his anger.  Why should the woman believe he really means it?  After all, he has put up with her abuse for a long time and done nothing.  Instead of realizing that things have gotten out of control, the woman may approach him and say something like, "What are you gonna do.  Hit me?  Go ahead.  I'll call the police and you'll never see your children again."  Once he expressed his anger physically, the situation became dangerous for him and for her.  The door to violence has opened wide.  He should walk away.  When he does walk away, she ends up angrier than ever, will scream obscenities at him and strike him repeatedly.  She may even strike him with an object.

WHY MEN STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Men stay in abusive and violent relationships for many different reasons.  The following is a brief list of the primary reasons.

Protecting Their Children: Abused men are afraid to leave their children alone with an abusive woman.  They are afraid that if they leave they will never be allowed to see their children again.  The man is afraid the woman will tell his children he is a bad person or that he doesn't love them. 

Assuming Blame (Guilt Prone):  Many abused men believe it is their fault or feel they deserve the treatment they receive. They assume blame for events that other people would not.  They feel responsible and have an unrealistic belief that they can and should do something that will make things better. 

Dependency (or Fear of Independence): The abused man is mentally, emotionally or financially dependent on the abusive woman.  The idea of leaving the relationship creates significant feelings of depression or anxiety.  They are "addicted" to each other. 

HELP FOR MALE VICTIMS

The Bridge to Hope provides services to men who are victims for domestic violence and sexual assault.  All services that are available for women are also available for men.  These include crisis counseling and support, legal advocacy, shelter and others.  We currently do not have a DV Support Group for men.  However, if we have enough interest we will provide that service.  If you have any questions or concerns please contact The Bridge at 715-235-9074 or outreach@thebridgetohope.com.

No one deserves to be abused.  1-800-924-9918  We are here to help.  Free & Confidential Services